Black and White

 My second pregnancy was as different from my first as could be. It was like black and white. It was a very difficult period for me physically as well as mentally. I spent about three months on bed and often times I would be plagued with doubts about the health of my unborn baby.

The second delivery was a planned C-section, 15 days before my due date. I remember my gynecologist telling me later that after the baby was born, I was not bothered about whether it was a boy or a girl. I just kept repeating like a drunken idiot asking if the baby was fine before I slipped into blissful oblivion under the influence of the anesthesia.

Everything this second time around seemed so different. My first baby, my son, Arya, a healthy ten pounder, was always smiling and playful. Whereas my daughter, Tanaya, seemed to be born with a frown on her face. She rarely, if ever, smiled. I remember my mother jokingly saying that it looks like she is angry because we got her 15 days early into this world, we robbed her of that 15 days of extra warmth and comfort of the womb.

When Tanaya was three months old, we went on a family holiday (eight of us) to Europe in the month of December. To onlookers, it might have seemed so cute, travelling with such a small baby who did not seem to be any trouble at all.

But it was definitely not so. I was weary and bone tired, my worst holiday ever. On the way back, we stopped over in Dubai where we stayed with my brother. Everybody would go out shopping and sightseeing. I was most happy to stay at home with my mother. And so was Tanaya. For the first time in that entire trip, she smiled.

Like Arya, Tanaya too was no trouble at all. In fact, she allowed me to move around so much more. I remember seeing a lot of movies (Titanic in particular) in the theatre with Tanaya in tow in her stroller. She would sleep through the movie, oblivious to the sound and lights. Those were the days when multiplexes were very new and so going to the theatre was an experience. Wide screen, dolby sound, caramel popcorn, reclining seats, Tanaya let me enjoy all of that when she was a baby. Later, as she grew, it became just the opposite.

I particularly remember one incident. Tanaya must have been around 10 years old. We had gone to the States and were visiting Alankar, Ajinkya’s childhood friend. The movie “Game” directed by my brother-in-law Abhinay was playing in the theatres. So we took Alankar’s family to see the movie. Tanaya protested once at the beginning of the movie. I just shushed her up and continued watching the film. At the interval, when the lights came on, I turned and looked at Tanaya and my heart bled. She was crying silently, tears streaming down her face. From then on, I decided never to put her through this ordeal ever again. I really miss going to the movies with her. (Though now, with social distancing, it pretty much seems like an experience of the past for all of us).

Arya was no trouble as a baby, and neither was Tanaya. But still, this time around, it was different. Tanaya would not cry even if she soiled her clothes or was hungry. She never reached out for anything.  She was content to just lay there and look around with her huge, lovely, limpid brown eyes. She was like a teddy bear, soft and cuddly.

 When she was seven months old, I distinctly remember a telephonic conversation I had with a friend. I told her that I had an appointment with the pediatrician for Tanaya later that day. Concerned, she asked me what was wrong with Tanaya’s health, whether she had fever, cold, etc. I said no, her health is fine, it is just that she hardly ever cries. My friend laughed at me, saying, are you mad? It is such a blessing to have a baby that does not cry. Instead of going to the doctor, be thankful that she is such an angel. I so wish that were true.

There had always been this nagging doubt somewhere at the back of my head, that everything was not fine. And now, my worst fears seemed to be coming true. The doctor said she is a little slow. But she might catch up with time.

Tanaya had missed all her milestones so far!